Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 9:36 am
No one wants to know or hear about my personal health and sanity right now.....so I'll write a story just to keep this godforsaken diary running. All of this, for you.
"You don't know," she said. "Everything I am and will ever be, depends solely on the outcome of this day. And yet you stand there and tell me to fucking relax."
"Calm down, ok? Everything is going to be fine. You know what you need to do, and you know how to get it done. Now, please, put away the dramatic cries for help and act like an adult."
His tone and harshness stung, but it was true. Adults don't act like this. Adults look situations in the eye and fear nothing, or at least they put on a good act. Why did this seem so hard?
"Ok everyone, let's go." His voice stirred her from her self deluded thoughts and brought her crashing back to reality.
"It's time? Now?" she asked.
He looked her straight in the eyes and said with finality, "It's time."
She grabbed her gear and followed the line of five people in front of her. Stopping shortly, just before entering the door, she breathed deeply and held it in.
"Here goes nothing," she sighed.
Before she even entered the room, a bullet grazed her arm and sent her falling to the ground.
"Fuck, fuck!!" She was bleeding a little, but it was enough to make her stop. She stayed there, outside of the door, watching her crew get gunned down and die. She sat there, outside of herself. She felt like a failure. Her team was dying in there, and she could do nothing. She merely sat and bled, wishing this could have happened any other way. Wishing that she had gone in first, fallen to the ground first, died first.
She picked her gun up and looked at it. No sense in trying to save them all now, they were already dead. She cocked the gun and leaned back against a wall. She had no fear, no anticipation, no aprehension. She put the gun against her head and pulled the trigger.
No sense in being the only one left.
