Monday, Jan. 05, 2004 - 10:00 pm
Depression is:
First of all I believe that depression is not a mood. It is nothing really.....simply your brain and emotions shutting down. It almost feels as if you are preparing to die. The simplest tasks, such as bathing and getting out of bed, become overwhelming. Now when I say 'overwhelming,' I mean that it seems as if these are impossible tasks. You don't want to do them, and you find distractions. Sleeping all day is dangerous kids.
I never really know what is real anymore to be honest.....it all just feels like one big long memory.
I feel that depression is fear. I fear what I have become, and thus I have lost the ability to fight it. It is seriously like a war in my head. I don't do anything all day long, yet I don't feel as if my time has been wasted. It's scary.
Depression is not:
Temporary. This is hell and I know it will be a battle for me to avoid this hell all of my life.
Easily remedied. Pills.....a pill to make you numb, a pill to make you dumb. Nothing works. It just gives me a reason to get out of bed.....I have to take my pill.
Easily defeated. This is hard. This is so much harder than anything I've ever done. For once in my life, my conflicts are not external. I am the one tearing myself apart, and I don't have any control over it.
What does it all mean??
It means that simple little things such as comments meant in fun turn into tragedies. Daily.....almost hourly....my life ends and begins. I am the queen of drama and I have no drama. It means that I hate myself because I can't control myself, and I can't control myself because I hate myself. It's all one gigantic cycle.....and the pills are shit. I'm on the max dosage of Lexapro and have been for a month now. I feel no better. I try......and I get nowhere.
I'm just frustrated and I don't know how to say these things outloud. The words fall out of my mouth and shatter on the floor.....silently. I have so much I want and need to do.....and I just sit here and watch it all go by. You know what the saddest thing is?? I don't care. I don't go to an appointment, I don't care. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
sorry for this dramatic entry.....I needed to get it out.
