Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 - 8:20 pm
Fifteen days left.....and counting.
Looking forward to it actually....can't wait.
McD's sucks....but then again what job doesn't. Today I got told that I'm apparently not cut out to work there due to my anxiety/panic attacks. My boss actually asked me if there was a pill I could take everyday before I came in to prevent the possible occurance of panic attacks. He just doesn't understand....or is misinformed about the condition....I might just bring him a pamphlet or some other reading material to expand his understanding.
Feeling really alone right now.....as I don't really talk to anyone. It's not that I don't want to talk....or that people aren't here....it's just that they don't really want to listen....or they are tired....or I am tired. Hard to pinpoint the exact cause of this loneliness...but it swallows me whole and forces me into bed. I'm serious about the bed thing.....I sleep more now than I did before the meds.
There are just some days that the natural color of red seems more appealing.....especially when it comes from me. Some days I just want to end it all......over and over and over again.....and it's not that I want to die....it's that I want to release all of this that is inside of me. Sometimes it just looks like bleeding or dying painfully is the only way to physically see and release this pain. Don't worry though.....I'm not a cutter and I never will be. I'm more likely to beat myself up until I'm black and blue. Everyone around me seems to be as depressed and fucked up as I am.....so maybe this is normal. I don't know. All I know is.....no one talks about it. I've tried....and I get dismissed as dramatic and overly sad. It's not the attention I want.....it's the intimacy that comes from knowing someone else can see what is in your head...just by the look on your face or the gleam in your eyes. I want that......and sometimes I have it.....but not nearly often enough.
Goddamn this has become depressing.
Here's some good fun though....I found
THE SINGLE GREATEST TOY EVER.
It's called "Tangle" and is available at Walmart for your pleasure. It's a simple toy....but it brings hours of mindless hand entertainment. I sit and play with this toy for hours....and never look at it. My hands love it....and my eyes adore it for its bright colors. Now I can't claim to have found this toy all by myself....I had one when I was in grammar school. It was much bigger....but yegods I was thrilled to find even a mini tangle at Walmart after so long. I'm serious when I say that you must go and find this toy. Look at it online..... tangle.com
It's the best.....and I'm gone again.
