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even though I'm sure no one really missed my little flicker....I'm back...for a moment. I don't have internet at my house in my new place of dwelling....so this may be all that I get to say for a while. Anyway.....it feels really good to see this screen again.
Things have been going well. Right after we got married, Roger got a new job. This job is much better than the old one....but it keeps me at least an hour away from anyone I really know. This presents a dilemma.
I'm terribly lonely.
He has to work.....but he's my only friend. I only have people to talk to in the evenings......and even then they are both tired and often irritable. So basically......I'm falling backwards....into old habits. When no one will listen.....I just dump all of my feelings and thoughts onto this space of internet and instantly feel better.....right??
Lately I've been thinking many violent thoughts......mostly of arson. I also have been feelings a certain way.....but it's hard to describe. I'll try by saying that.....it's like I'm standing on the top step of a staircase, and I could go down. But do I want to go down?? What's down there....should I be afraid?? Other option.....I continue to stand at the top of the stairs and wonder about what may lurk there. Now.....I really actually DO know what's at the bottom of these stairs......madness. I feel more in control than ever....but the grip I have seems to be weak. It's almost a decision that I can make......babble about things that are going on in my head.....or keep it all inside and pretend to be normal.
This all seems so goddamned dramatic. It almost makes me ill.....my comparison pales in reality to the actual feelings I have.....and yet I seem to be at a loss when it comes to finding a more appropriate one.
Basically, I've got no friends and I'm drowning in a world of my own noise. My sister, Deb, just doesn't seem to give a shit about me at all anymore. And all those friends I had....all those people that I put myself on the line for.....yeah they never call or visit. Nevermind that I'm in G-ville like every other week.....if they don't want to see me....I won't seek them out.
Am I shutting down, or am I opening up??
Anyway.....I'm here......
and now I'm gone.

 

 

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