Wednesday, May. 26, 2004 - 6:22 pm
Here in an instant, gone in a flash....that's me ladies and gents.
Got a job at McDonald's.....actually it's not a bad job considering that the only businesses in this town are Gomart, Blimpies, Pizza Hut and McDonalds. So basically....working at MickeyD's is like working at a Walmart. No insurance though.
Been fighting within myself alot lately. I feel so much that everyone around me feels negatively towards me. I am so afraid of losing everything I've gained recently....the fear is worse than it has ever been. I feel weak and alone most of the time....but I can't express it because I fear that the ones I love around me will resent me for being the weak piece of shit that I am.
I really haven't written here in a long time.....I kinda miss it. Anyone out there miss me?? Anyone still reading??
Twenty four days left until the wedding.....and I guess that things are coming together. I don't really know though....it's out of my hands now.
Anyone out there that wanted an invitation and didn't receive one....drop me a note and we'll get you an invite...whether you can attend or not.
I really miss the person who used to talk in this diary. I don't know where she went though. I really don't know how to explain how I feel....well I don't trust this place enough is the truth. Recently my words have been used against me......by family members....from this diary. So I guess that there really is nowhere to put these thoughts, emotions, fears, weaknesses. I guess that I am not meant to be sane.....ever. Everything is so right....but I can't see that. I see only the wrong and how it is all related to me and is all my fault.
Everything is always my fault.....at least that's what I think. If my sister (Deb) is unhappy, it's my fault. In some way....I have failed to make existance tolerable for her.......that's what I think. I am scared to death that I am losing La'nay as a friend. She lives here now....and I love her endlessly....like a sister. But I feel this current of anger in the room lately. Do you understand what I mean?? It's something you can feel....just below the smoke in the room....something that you don't want to stir up...something that will swallow you whole. And as always, I fear it.
Fear. I guess that's me......and don't get me wrong....I am genuinely happy right now. But everyday I have chest pains from anxiety....and I try to make it without the clonopin. But I feel myself sinking into it....a pattern of dependence.
This place is sacred to me....and I guess that everyone thinks I'm morbid and tortured because this place holds all my unspoken thoughts and fears and shortcomings. Don't take it the wrong way.....I'm just overwhelmed every now and then.....and there's no human being out there that could possibly hold all that I have to let out.
So if you're not doing anything on the nineteenth of June, stop by West Virginia and come to my wedding. There will be food and a cash bar.....so come get drunk and tell me that I look pretty.
Look to the sky.....it's the greyest shade of grey....but there's a bright yellow sun waiting just beyond that grey to chase it all away.....
I hope to see that sun.
