Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 2:53 pm
Thinking thinking thinking......it's dangerous you know.
Spent a good portion of yesterday out of the house....which is good. But then again.....I had a big crying spell last night that left my face all puffy and weird looking. Deb manages to get me out of the house....but when I return I feel worse than I did before I left. It's strange. I mean....I know I should leave my house more than I do.....but I hate the feelings I get when I come back. Guilt mostly.....guilt for being this way. Guilt for having to be taken care of.....guilt for not being able to control myself and my thoughts and my emotions.
Then there's the issue of getting married. My mind has set it up as this cure-all situation in which I will never be sad anymore.....kinda like a Weezer song (Island in the Sun). I know though.....that I will still be mentally ill.....that's the first time i've admitted that I am truly ill. I want to be better.....I really do. Everything just seems so hard right now though. I clean my house every now and then.....I clean my house more than I clean myself.
I guess I can sum it all up as this: I am a slave to the chemical responses in my brain.....and I cannot break the chains.
At the risk of being overly dramatic....which I believe this entry has already become.....I just wish I could go back and do several things over again. I wish that I would've dealt with things when I felt them....when they were happening. It's amazing how simple little situations that create simple little emotions can cause crippling conditions later.
I love everyone......
